he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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