she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize