I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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