Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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