Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
