He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
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