So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
