I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
