he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
only you would photoshop your dick
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
