the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
