Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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