I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
