Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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