it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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