____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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