I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Randomize