our cab driver is having phone sex.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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