Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
