were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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