and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
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