Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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