watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Randomize
