At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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