if only i could text you this smell
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
