It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
