I'm pants shitting drunk right now
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
