You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
