My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
The air was thick with penises
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
