I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
This gyro tastes like lonliness
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
