I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize