He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
