I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
