I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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