why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
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