Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
