There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
