**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
