i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
