Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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