I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
