Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
