The police scanner is talking about you again....
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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