I must be too annoying 4 u.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
