Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
