Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
