he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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