I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
