My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
