There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
