I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
