so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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