Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
