How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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