now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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