just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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