At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
