I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize