Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Houston, we have a squirter
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
