he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
