Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
