I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
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